Sometimes a week or days can be summarised by or explored through one word. For this and last week, this word has been "discernment" for me. It has come up for me in a session with my supervisor, who has trained in and taught a psychotherapeutic tradition that is based on Buddhism. One of the definition of discernment (not in the Buddhist sense, but in the broader sense) is "the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure" (Merriam Webster Dictionary). Other definitions include words like insight and being able to judge well and accurately. A lot of the work I have been doing is about understanding what is my real and authentic self and where am I stuck in my patterns. Sometimes being triggered, or in transference, can feel like reality. However, I know that when I take my time and importantly slow down, I can distinguish, i.e. discern, between my defences and coping mechanism and my real self, i.e. between what is the immediate and real experience and what I have fallen into, unconsciously.  
 
For me personally, when I'm in my pattern, there is a sense of urgency to do something, a feeling of not wanting to be with what is emerging and a desire to discharge the overwhelming emotions. This is often accompanied with a lack of grounding and thoughts that are in a constant loop. On the other hand, when I'm in contact with my authentic self and what is truly emerging within me vs. the secondary more interpretative energies that are often layered on top, I'm more centred, more grounded and slower. I am in contact with my centre and with what is real.
 
The art is to discern: what is real and what is made up; what is coming from the core and what is story.
 
Walk in beauty.
 
Sandra

​Words and concepts that have been coming up over the last couple of week are: balance, paradox, juxtaposition, polar opposites, integration and abandonment. They are all qualities of the fourth chakra, the heart chakra, which is the middle point and the centre of the chakra system. Interestingly, on a physical level this chakra includes the heart and the lungs. According to Anodea Judith (Eastern Body, Western Mind), in the heart chakra we continue our individuation, i.e. our journey of finding ourselves and becoming who we are, by developing balance of the inner female and male, anima and animus. This is less about gender than about opposites forces that are residing in each of us. We all carry paradoxes: On the one hand we might want to really come out of the lock down, on the other hand, we might be scared of and tread it. Instead of needing to choose one over the other, Anodea Judith suggests that "the more we allow one kind of energy, the more the other can come through". It's not about either looking forward to OR being scared of it, it's about looking forward to AND being scared of it at the same time. Both are true and the work is to make room for the paradox, in that sense widening our identity and not abandoning parts of ourselves.
 
Thank you all who contributed to these reflections.
 
We hope that yoga enables you to expand and contain seemingly opposing aspects of yourself. Here is a free recording - thanks to Janet's generosity.  

​Gestalt therapy talks about the paradox of change, which at its core says that change only truly happens when we are fully invested in what is. The moment we push away our experiences and feelings and wish for things to be different, lasting transformation is elusive. This week I have witnessed beautiful examples in my clients and also in myself when there was a letting go and accepting of the moment, often a difficult reality, and how feelings and sensations organically shifted into the opposite direction.  
 
By allowing the dark, the light appears. By feeling the pain, excitement enters. By admitting the sadness, hope comes in. Sometimes, the sense is that when we do yoga, meditate or do other mindfulness practices, difficult feelings should not appear. Actually, all these tools help us to relate to what is happening differently, so that we can hang out in the present moment without running away or drowning in the experience. When we can be present with what is, shifts occur and lasting change surfaces - organically and sustainably. Whatever is arising is part of the process and it's pointing us in the direction of our next step. It's not something to get rid of, but something to pay attention to. It's about staying with the direct and immediate experience of what's going on.
 
In that way, we hope you will be able to use yoga as a practice for true transformation. Enjoy this free session from us. Thank you Kate F. for making this possible: 
 
Free Recording of Live Streamed Class 

Whereas guilt can motivate us to do better in the future, shame often is very debilitating and results in us wanting to hide, not be seen and simply disappear. Even though shame is about the fear of disconnection, it actually keeps us imprisoned in the loneliness and isolation. Shame prevents us from talking to one another and thereby making it harder to get out of the spiral. And, we all have shame. Interestingly Brene Brown says that we can't eradicate shame, but we can be resilient to it, i.e. we can go through the experience and come out the other end being stronger and more courageous. Steps in becoming shame resilient are: recognition, awareness, reaching out and talking about it to the appropriate people.
 
My personal experience this week was that I made a mistake and I felt ashamed about it. However, instead of trying to cover it up or try to make excuses, I managed to just fess up to it, feel the guilt around it, feel uncomfortable and sorry, but also know that I'm not a bad person, because of that error of judgment I made. I had my own back in that moment. The way I see the process: It's about snuggling up to the uncomfortable and unspeakable places, becoming aware of them, feeling them and then also speaking about them.
 
My sense is that at the moment, a lot of deeper patterns and injuries are surfacing, accompanied by feelings of shame, anger, frustration and exhaustion. It's easy to move into isolation with that feeling that we are a bad person or that we have not done the work; that there is something wrong with us. I encourage to reach out to people you can trust and who love you and share with them what's going on for you.
 
We feel the live-streamed classes are an opportunity to check in, to connect with one another and to feel less isolated. We also understand that finances might be a concern of yours, so we've made one recording a week available to especially those of you who truly cannot afford a session. For those of you who have the means, recordings are available daily through our website, where regular class rates apply. Even though recordings don't provide the platform to connect as much and you won't get any live and tailored feedback, we hope they are still useful.
 
Here is the link to the free class. Thank you Janet for making this possible:  
 
Free Recording of Live Streamed Class

We've had overwhelming support for our online sessions. Thank you all who took the leap to join.  
 
Clients' feedback has been great, too. People have commented that being in the live online classes had felt almost like being at Equilibrium. You still receive verbal cues and tailored instructions in the sessions. We feel they are the next best thing to being physically at the centres.   
 
Since the announcements one week ago, all online sessions have been broadcast from the teacher's home. Out of this necessity, the issue of the echo has been resolved and the audio improved. Thank you all who contributed to fine tuning the entire experience. We're now muting participants and spotlighting the teacher, so that the screen does not move between people. 
 
We're currently varying the timetable from week to week and we'd like to hear your feedback on what is on offer. We feel it's a fantastic opportunity to try different teachers, also. Here is the link for the timetable: Online Scheduler 
 
Currently, Julie B. is unfortunately unable to teach a class from home. She has kindly recorded a yoga nidra for you.  
 
Here is a link to her free recording:

Since I have finished my personal psychotherapy sessions, my relationship to my two supervisors has become increasingly important. Regular supervision helps me to reflect about the work with my clients, but also about my own personal process and how I'm touched by my clients and what they stir up within me and mirror back to me. Unlike common belief that supervision is about the client, it's really about the teacher or therapist and their own process.
 
A couple of weeks ago, I felt ungrounded, overwhelmed and definitely not in my body. I felt that I was "failing" my clients and that I was not sure about what I was actually doing as a mentor and therapist. I had a session with my supervisor and I was asking him how I can "tackle the problems" some of my clients were experiencing. I was in the space of needing to find another "solution" for the problems that have been reoccurring - and I needed that solution fast. Metaphorically, my supervisor held up a pin and popped the balloon of busyness with a simple question: "So, there is somewhere to get to, Sandra?". In that moment I realised that I had fallen into the trap of needing to get somewhere and especially fast. I completely forgot that we are already here and that the only moment we have available is the present moment. By frantically trying to find a solution, I had also sent the subtle message to my clients that they need to be different to how they are right now. The fact is: they are whole human beings who simply disconnected from whom they truly are. I felt immediately lighter, more at ease and more embodied.
 
I feel that this approach is so beautifully summarised by Beisser (1970) in his article "The Paradoxical Theory of Change":
 
"Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is-to be fully invested in his current positions. By rejecting the role of change agent, we make meaningful and orderly change possible".
 
Be who you are fully and have your own back.
Walk in beauty.

The title "Under Construction" has been inspired by one of the people I work with.
 
One emerging theme I have been observing - within myself and my clients - has been the one of things being constructed, deconstructed and reconstructed at foundation level. In other words the process of being under construction has surfaced. This in turn has created a feeling of being uprooted, not fully grounded, and shaken up. Within that, there has been a sense of persistency, a feeling that everything has been intensified or in the words of one of my clients "magnified". Emotions are heightened and interactions are at times explosive. Relationships, communities and organisations have been tested, destroyed, solidified, re-defined and re-evaluated. Physical building structures and objects have been broken, deconstructed, rebuild, replaced and repaired.
 
Even though my personal intent is to stay present with at times a painful turmoil and an intense phase of structural change, my curiosity and excitement are also with the possibilities and openings that are being created through this foundational shift.
 
In the words of my supervisor: "What needs to be left behind and what needs to be brought forward?" What do we need to let go of and what is worth pursuing and fighting for, so we can bring it with us?
 
Walk in beauty,
Sandra  ​

Like the previous years, Brian and I went skiing to the same place we always go to. We took a private session with the same instructor we had before. As a side, it made me realise how important a good teacher is for learning, thinking differently and for experiencing joy in the activity.
 
On multiple occasions the instructor told me to straighten and relax my arms more and to keep them closer to the torso using minimum effort for the turns. He named my rather ungraceful position "The Wrestler". It totally made me laugh and of course it reflects the way I often wrestle with life instead of being at ease and trusting the process. It's fascinating that how we do one thing, we do everything. My personal intent for 2020 is to be more at ease and not to wrestle on my skis or in life.
 
Walk in beauty and with ease
Sandra  ​

Last weekend I taught a three day continuous education programme for yoga teachers. One of the emerging statements, which had a lot of gravity, was: "the middle is difficult".  
 
Throughout this week I have been feeling that this is so true for many people including myself. It's easy to move one way or another. The middle ground is so much more difficult, since it requires feeling into the body a lot more. Going to one extreme or another does not require sensing into the body; these responses are often more habitual and guided by our head and ultimately seeking some sense of control. Being German I like things to be neat, black and white and generally I enjoy order. It's however in the less defined areas, in the grey ones where we can find the most growth and a lot of creativity - and most importantly a sense of contentment and equilibrium.
 
Hang out in the beautiful middle!
Sandra  ​

I have been away in South Africa and one thing that has struck me is the amount of space in that country. The nature is stunningly beautiful and vast. During the retreat I taught there the themes were grounding, centring and boundaries resulting in a lot more physical, mental and emotional space - within the participants, but also within myself.
 
The interesting thing is what happened after the retreat. I had created so much space inside of myself, but then had a really hard time not to fill it again through films, food, work, shopping, etc. I have become so much more apt at creating space within myself, but I still struggle to tolerate the space when it is there. My challenge is about feeling into the emptiness and the vastness without needing to fill it, because that space is a fertile ground for integration, growth, creativity and newness.
 
I encourage you and myself to create space and then have the courage to not fill it again.
 
Be in the empty space in beauty
Sandra  ​