Turning 40

This Sunday I'm turning 40 years old. As much as I don't see it as a turning point, I very much perceive it as a distinct marker. I've been contemplating a lot about the number 4 and what it means to me at this stage in my life. Coincidentally, my husband and I also had our 4th wedding anniversary on the 1st of May of this year. The number 4 is the number of completion - of full circle. There are four directions, four seasons, four phases in the moon. It symbolises arriving and a strong foundation.
 
After the teacher training in Peterborough, I taught workshops and then went on holidays in South Africa. It always takes me a while to step out of work mode and to arrive at a quieter space in myself where I'm more connected to nature and myself. Initially, the space caused me anxiety, before a deep sense of peace opened up for me. In that moment, I realised that at times in very subtle ways I'm feeling like a victim; I feel that something is imposed on me and I have to react to it without having a real choice.

​On a very mundane level, this is how I handle emails. I feel that they are just coming in without me having any control over it; becoming a victim to technology. When my therapist suggested that I don't check my emails for several days and just let the out of office message do its work, I nearly had a heart attack, but I gave it a go. It was the most liberating experience and it deeply shifted something in me. I did not feel that there was this invasion of my space, but when I sat down to reply to emails and work my way through my inbox, I actually felt ready to do that - with a sense of inner authority and agency. Not surprisingly I was also more efficient at it. It had a profound experience on me moving me out of the victim to a place where I could stay connected to myself, have a sense of authority and stay in a calm place even when outer things were chaotic.
 
I have now decided to give myself a gift for my 40th birthday: no emails on two days of the week and additionally be more mindful not to check my emails twenty or thirty times a day, but to decide when I'm in a good enough space and have the time to actually answer them. I feel that this a very important, even though seemingly small, step to arriving more fully in myself.
 
Walk in beauty!
Sandra