Often when I get angry, my therapist points out that I have "abandoned myself". It's in those moments where I'm overtly angry at somebody else for crossing my boundaries or doing something I deem as unfair. However, what often lies underneath it all is that I have left myself and I'm not standing behind myself anymore. I'm not giving myself the backing I need and also deserve. That's the moment where the anger rises; it's in reaction to my abandonment.
When I do catch it, I find it useful to explore all the subtle ways I'm blaming myself for the situation. In those instances, I often don't like myself and find it hard to bring compassion towards my own process - something I teach to my students, but invariable fail to do so myself. This process is very subtle and I have to really sit with the feelings to uncover the deeper layers of it all. I encourage you to feel into your anger the next time it arises and feel for the ways you might be not giving yourself the support you need and deserve. Stand behind yourself no matter what! Move into your heart space and feed yourself from that place.
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In Forrest Yoga when we call in the Four Direction, which is a way of calling on the support of the allies in the East, South, West and North, the element of water is located in the South. The qualities of the South are innocence, trust, healing and playfulness.
Like any of the elements, water can be on the one hand a very gentle and persistent force bringing about change slowly and being crucial for survival. It follows the path of least resistance as it flows down the mountains. Over time it shapes and softens rocks. On the other hand water can be incredibly powerful bringing about transformational changes within seconds and minutes. Torrents of water in flash floods for example transform the landscape forever and can create devastation and death. I invite you to bring the qualities of water into your life embracing and enjoying the quieter transformational changes, as well as the rapid, immediately powerful and more dramatic ones. Allow both softness and strength to be present within yourself and flow with what is. When I was on holiday with my husband we did a lot of cycling. Our holiday destination was somewhere hilly and windy and at points it was hard going. On the third day of cycling - which is usually the most difficult - I had a mental block. I kept looking up that hill we were climbing and I was mentally devastated after 10 minutes into our ride. Needless to say that I was not enjoying myself at all. I was in full blown struggle mode and my husband definitely knew about it...
I continued... mainly because I did not like to what I perceived as give up. After one hour into the ride, something suddenly shifted and instead of looking ahead I started to look to the left and the right. My therapist used the words "saying yes to the moment", which resonated a lot with me and describes what happened very accurately. Instead of wanting to be somewhere different, doing something different, I decided to say yes to what was- even though it was tough. Miraculously, the ride became incredibly enjoyable and I was rewarded with a very long downhill bit in the end, which was wonderfully liberating and freeing. So, instead of looking ahead and imagining the pain to come, look to the left and right, truly commit what is there instead of thinking of wanting to arrive. Arrive in the moment and say yes to what is. Enjoy the view. I've been practising yoga since 1999 and I've been a teacher since 2004/05. I've mentored many Forrest Yoga teachers coming out of foundation trainings and taught numerous continuous educations. There are common themes that I've seen emerging throughout the years. One of them is the desire to make other people happy. I've also experienced this recently in my family and in myself more strongly.
My mum so desperately wants to make me happy and I want to make my mum happy that we end up doing things that neither of us really want to do. The truth is that we can't make another human being happy; that's outside our responsibility and power. Even if it is coming from the right place, it will create complications, stress and frustration. Subtly, what is also communicated to the other person is: "You are not ok. You need to be different." However, we are responsible for our own happiness and peace inside. Ana Forrest talks about doing one thing a day that delights your spirit; something that makes you happy. What is the one thing for you today? Take responsibility for your own happiness. The arctic tern is a bird famous for its migration. It travels on average 70,000km a year - all the way from the Arctic and Subarctic regions to the northern edge of the Antarctic ice. Last year Newcastle University tagged 29 birds and logged a record-breaking migration of 96,000km flown by a little bird weighing less than an iphone. (Article in the Telegraph.)
I find these birds incredibly fascinating. They see two summers a year and more daylight than any other being on the planet. I came across it in South Africa where Brian and I bought an artic tern made from a salvaged tin. It now hangs in our Peterborough studio. The art collective we bought it from is famous for its chandeliers made of recycled materials (Magpie Collective). Researching its medicine significance, I could not find much, but while looking I was reminded that it is about the personal meaning. While sitting in one of the most northern places I had been to (Trondheim in Norway) I was contemplating what home is, which is for me at the very heart of the bird's importance. We can get fixed on an individual place or culture, but what if we could feel at home in different places with different cultures - understanding and accepting different aspects in ourselves even? After all we are all humans, we share our humanity and even though there are differences, most of the time we have more in common than we can even imagine. What I personally take away from this incredible bird is its ability to be at home connecting to earth and sky no matter where it is in the world. Last weekend I went on a CPD course for Body Psychotherapy and we looked at aversion, attraction and conscious goals. The movement and feeling that helped me to understand how to bring forward more of myself when setting goals was the feeling of being pregnant. My belly was loose, my hips were open and there was a sense that I was taking my weight more into my heels than into the balls of my feet.
My shoulders were relaxed and I was swaying from side to side while at the same time rubbing my belly. It had a soothing effect on me, which is quite the opposite of how I normally approach my goals: wanting to attack it, get on with it and be generally quite cut off from myself while at the same time being totally focused on what needs to be done. The swaying movement with loose hips and belly was a reminder about the natural process and incubation time of ideas, goals and life in general. The person I was working with remarked: “The pregnant woman does not need to go and find the baby. The baby is within her.” This felt incredibly profound and eye-opening to me. I did not have to search for the wisdom, the ideas and goals, but they were actually already within me. I just need to allow life to flow through me. I would like to encourage you to find your own movement that helps you to bring more of yourself into life and into the way you approach your goals and visions in life, so that whatever you're doing is coming from within you and is an extension of your authentic self. Several months ago I dreamt about a dragon. She was quite small and was not able to spit fire. In many respects she felt like a very young dragon. The dream was more complex than that, but I have become very fascinated specifically about this young dragon and have been exploring the medicine of this symbol.
What has stood out for me when reading and exploring it in my therapy and in supervision is that the dragon carries magic and a very ancient wisdom. She is the keeper of something very precious. I feel that we all carry magic inside of us, but we are too busy in our lives and live too much in our heads to connect to the ancient knowledge we carry in our bodies. We also fight the magic by rationalising our lives and our experiences instead of tolerating the mystery and being fascinated by it. Connect to your own magic instead of trying to kill it off! Connect to your own dragon! Write to me and tell me about your magic moments and your own dragon at info@equilibriumyoga.co.uk Since I have been doing a lot of driving lately, I have downloaded some audio books to listen to during my journeys. I have listened to hours of Dr. Brene Brown and I really enjoy her simplicity, depth and honesty in the way she presents her material. Simultaneously reading her book "The gifts of imperfections" this sentence stood out for me: "The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows." This sentence was a summary on how it's often difficult for us to experience joy, as we are afraid of losing it again. Not experiencing joy seems a safer place, because we don't have to deal with the possible loss of it later on. When we are fully invested in this emotion we are in a vulnerable position, which can feel uncomfortable and uncertain, but it's absolutely worth it.
Catch yourself when you are holding back on joy, since you will be missing out on life! I have been reading Tara Brach's book "Radical Acceptance" and what has stood out for me is the notion of the "sacred pause". We usually keep ourselves extremely busy, so that we don't have to feel and really be with that is, because being present can be very uncomfortable. When we take a moment and simply pause to feel how we are and what we are experiencing, we are creating a space and thereby we are creating choice. The pause can be as short as a couple of deep breaths, but it can also stretch over several months. It is a way of creating room to be with the experience and not to rush into the next thing, properly sensing what is actually happening in that moment in time. Tara Brach states: "Often the moment when we most need to pause is exactly when it feels most intolerable to do so".
Next time you are getting overwhelmed and you feel swept away by feeling and the situation around you, take a sacred pause and notice how you are and what you can sense in your body. I wish you a happy and healthy 2015! Recently, owl has appeared not just in my dreams, but also everywhere around me. After I taught a workshop in Vienna where a friend of mine owns and runs a yoga studio, I went to the Albertina museum and there was a print of Albrecht Duerer's "Little Owl", which I was immediately drawn to. Reading up on the meaning of owl, I realized what a quietly powerful animal it is.
Owl is a symbol for intuition and inner guidance. There is an inward looking wisdom around the owl and it has an ability to see beyond the obvious. It's also a symbol of transitioning and calling on the owl is needed when we find ourselves in dark places. Owl has night vision, patience and amazing skills waiting for the exact right moment to make a move on its prey. Discernment, keen observation, silence, meditation, inner wisdom and intuition are qualities of the owl. Moving into the winter months, it seems exactly the kind of qualities we need in order to cultivate space for reflection, so that we can go with the energy of the darker nights and colder days. |
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