I feel that 2018 has been a year of changes and transitions of a significant nature. It's not just about the day to day changes, but changes that are more fundamental. During the Mentorship Programme I taught in Vienna in May, one of the participants brought the following poem by Hermann Hesse, which touched me deeply and helped me to understand the importance of being able to say good-bye in a way that has integrity. As every blossom fades
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I went skiing over Christmas and New Year with my family. My parents generously paid for a private session for my husband, but on the day, he did not feel up to it; he definitely has a bit of a love/hate relationship to this somewhat unnatural activity. I decided to take the lesson myself and just loved it. However, it was interesting to see that my patterns not only show up in general life and while I'm doing yoga, but also in my skiing!
The instructor said to me: "Sandra, let the snow take you somewhere. You are cutting the corners short." What the instructor meant was that I needed to go with the snow and allow myself to be taken somewhere rather than forcing my skis into a certain position in order to control where I'm going. He wanted me to work with the snow, not against it. I know this lesson; it's not something new, but it is incredible to think that a skiing instructor, who I had known for less than hour, picked up on my deep-rooted patterns just like that! What I took away from it: Allowing myself to be taken somewhere by life - maybe even somewhere new - instead of needing to plan and control everything and thereby getting incredibly exhausted. This does not negate my sense of agency and the power of my influence and self-determination. It reminds me, however, that life is a co-creation and not a solo act. Let the snow take you somewhere and notice how that feels. Walk and maybe even ski in beauty. Often when I get angry, my therapist points out that I have "abandoned myself". It's in those moments where I'm overtly angry at somebody else for crossing my boundaries or doing something I deem as unfair. However, what often lies underneath it all is that I have left myself and I'm not standing behind myself anymore. I'm not giving myself the backing I need and also deserve. That's the moment where the anger rises; it's in reaction to my abandonment.
When I do catch it, I find it useful to explore all the subtle ways I'm blaming myself for the situation. In those instances, I often don't like myself and find it hard to bring compassion towards my own process - something I teach to my students, but invariable fail to do so myself. This process is very subtle and I have to really sit with the feelings to uncover the deeper layers of it all. I encourage you to feel into your anger the next time it arises and feel for the ways you might be not giving yourself the support you need and deserve. Stand behind yourself no matter what! Move into your heart space and feed yourself from that place. Last weekend I went on a CPD course for Body Psychotherapy and we looked at aversion, attraction and conscious goals. The movement and feeling that helped me to understand how to bring forward more of myself when setting goals was the feeling of being pregnant. My belly was loose, my hips were open and there was a sense that I was taking my weight more into my heels than into the balls of my feet.
My shoulders were relaxed and I was swaying from side to side while at the same time rubbing my belly. It had a soothing effect on me, which is quite the opposite of how I normally approach my goals: wanting to attack it, get on with it and be generally quite cut off from myself while at the same time being totally focused on what needs to be done. The swaying movement with loose hips and belly was a reminder about the natural process and incubation time of ideas, goals and life in general. The person I was working with remarked: “The pregnant woman does not need to go and find the baby. The baby is within her.” This felt incredibly profound and eye-opening to me. I did not have to search for the wisdom, the ideas and goals, but they were actually already within me. I just need to allow life to flow through me. I would like to encourage you to find your own movement that helps you to bring more of yourself into life and into the way you approach your goals and visions in life, so that whatever you're doing is coming from within you and is an extension of your authentic self. Several months ago I dreamt about a dragon. She was quite small and was not able to spit fire. In many respects she felt like a very young dragon. The dream was more complex than that, but I have become very fascinated specifically about this young dragon and have been exploring the medicine of this symbol.
What has stood out for me when reading and exploring it in my therapy and in supervision is that the dragon carries magic and a very ancient wisdom. She is the keeper of something very precious. I feel that we all carry magic inside of us, but we are too busy in our lives and live too much in our heads to connect to the ancient knowledge we carry in our bodies. We also fight the magic by rationalising our lives and our experiences instead of tolerating the mystery and being fascinated by it. Connect to your own magic instead of trying to kill it off! Connect to your own dragon! Write to me and tell me about your magic moments and your own dragon at info@equilibriumyoga.co.uk Since I have been doing a lot of driving lately, I have downloaded some audio books to listen to during my journeys. I have listened to hours of Dr. Brene Brown and I really enjoy her simplicity, depth and honesty in the way she presents her material. Simultaneously reading her book "The gifts of imperfections" this sentence stood out for me: "The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows." This sentence was a summary on how it's often difficult for us to experience joy, as we are afraid of losing it again. Not experiencing joy seems a safer place, because we don't have to deal with the possible loss of it later on. When we are fully invested in this emotion we are in a vulnerable position, which can feel uncomfortable and uncertain, but it's absolutely worth it.
Catch yourself when you are holding back on joy, since you will be missing out on life! I have been reading Tara Brach's book "Radical Acceptance" and what has stood out for me is the notion of the "sacred pause". We usually keep ourselves extremely busy, so that we don't have to feel and really be with that is, because being present can be very uncomfortable. When we take a moment and simply pause to feel how we are and what we are experiencing, we are creating a space and thereby we are creating choice. The pause can be as short as a couple of deep breaths, but it can also stretch over several months. It is a way of creating room to be with the experience and not to rush into the next thing, properly sensing what is actually happening in that moment in time. Tara Brach states: "Often the moment when we most need to pause is exactly when it feels most intolerable to do so".
Next time you are getting overwhelmed and you feel swept away by feeling and the situation around you, take a sacred pause and notice how you are and what you can sense in your body. I wish you a happy and healthy 2015! Recently, owl has appeared not just in my dreams, but also everywhere around me. After I taught a workshop in Vienna where a friend of mine owns and runs a yoga studio, I went to the Albertina museum and there was a print of Albrecht Duerer's "Little Owl", which I was immediately drawn to. Reading up on the meaning of owl, I realized what a quietly powerful animal it is.
Owl is a symbol for intuition and inner guidance. There is an inward looking wisdom around the owl and it has an ability to see beyond the obvious. It's also a symbol of transitioning and calling on the owl is needed when we find ourselves in dark places. Owl has night vision, patience and amazing skills waiting for the exact right moment to make a move on its prey. Discernment, keen observation, silence, meditation, inner wisdom and intuition are qualities of the owl. Moving into the winter months, it seems exactly the kind of qualities we need in order to cultivate space for reflection, so that we can go with the energy of the darker nights and colder days. Recently I have found myself in a situation where I have been forced to look at my relationship to authority. Over the last seven years I have always been very interested in boundaries and how to set appropriate and healthy ones without getting too rigid or inflexible. Boundaries are important as they are defining and creating a safe space where trust can be built and healing can take place. However, I have never looked at what I do if someone else sets boundaries. How do I react and what do I do when someone in authority creates a boundary I don't agree with? These are the questions I have been asking myself lately. With the help of my supervisor and my therapist I have come to the following preliminary conclusion: I either abandon myself and I become submissive or I'm rebellious and run away. In other words, I'm either the "good girl" or the "rebel". The question that has been crystallising from this is: Given the two habitual and polarised positions, how can I get to a third one - to a place where I'm not running away or removing myself from the situation, but where I'm standing my ground and where I'm engaging in a relationship with someone in authority without losing my own centre?
I feel the answer is very much about stepping into my own power, trusting my instincts and experiences and allowing myself to make mistakes. If I can accept my own authority more and be able to set clear boundaries, I feel that accepting boundaries especially from people in authority will become easier and less energy consuming. Then it might be possible to engage with authority without losing myself or running away from it all. |
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